Warning: violence, abuse, rape, guns, torture, animal torture, chid rape
Usually my dreams are fucked up and really abstract. I think that is pretty fitting considering how my brain works and most times I laugh at my dreams because they are just so freaking weird. I love it. I do have bad dreams but not really all that often.
First of all, I am not one of those people who is into interpreting dreams. I think dreams are just your brain doing brain stuff and not some otherworldly way of looking into your future or anything of the sort. I do think that we can get ideas or realizations from them, just like we would watching TV or a movie or whatever. So usually when I have one of my PTSD influenced bad dreams it’s just straight up the monster appearing in some way. Last night he appeared though as a woman. Somehow I knew it was him even though it was a woman. Frequently he has a gun in my dreams but never fires it. (I assume this is because he always threatened me but never shot me?) In last night’s dream he finally pulled the trigger. He pulled the trigger and I woke up as soon as the buckshot hit the center of my chest and I kind of sat up with a start. I didn’t feel it, but I did feel like I was tapped on the chest (which I will assume is not what it feels like to be hit with buckshot.) It was awful. I mean sick in the stomach, couldn’t go back to sleep, full panic awful.
Having PTSD means a lot of things to different people. For me it is usually just feelings or my brain playing this sort of tape recording of him telling me things. Rarely does it come in the form of nightmares. When it does though the guns make appearances and also him torturing the cat. I might actually get more upset when I have to relive that. I remember when we got this cat, the monster was all about “Hey look we got you a kitten!” This is how monsters are though…you know? Look what I did for you, what will you do for me, kinda thing. So I loved this cat and over the years the cat just became as much of a mess as I was from all of the screaming and yelling and throwing and abuse that went on in that house. I may have said something before but one time when the monster got angry at me (which was usually for some silly reason just because he hated me, you know, the way 8 year olds can make you hate them??) he knew I loved that cat. So many times, the cat was used to upset me. One time he kicked the cat down the basement steps. But this one particular time that I frequently see in my mind that I will never forget he hung the cat up in a fishing net thrown over an engine hoist in the drive way, (We had boats and cars and he worked on them so…hence, engine hoist) and he spun it around, cat screaming and started hitting it with a stick. I’m a little kid. I love that cat. I think these memories are more upsetting to me than anything he ever did to me. This is a man who used to shoot at mice in the front yard with buckshot. In other words, blew holes in the front yard. You could barely see remnants of mice after that, if you know anything about buckshot…and mice.
So I have this dream where he finally pulls the trigger and what it really does is trigger all of these feelings and memories of him hurting animals, not me. I have spent the entire day, and still now, feeling as if I want to throw up. My stomach hurts. I could cry in a heartbeat. In my mind though it isn’t me being upset about me, it’s about the animals. So this dream did upset me but all of the feelings pertain to the animals and not me. I don’t even know if I know what I’m saying. I might be trying to interpret it even though I don’t think about interpreting dreams. Maybe I’m just trying to understand my brain and why it won’t shut off right now. I have no idea but I can say that this fucking bad dream has thrown my entire day off.
In the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep I ended up texting a friend in another part of the world. I think I was just frantic and he probably thought I’d finally lost my mind. But, the thing is…he said, and he says this a lot to me, that I am so strong and I don’t even see it. Yeah…I want to think that and sometimes I actually do. People have said that to me a few times but he says it more than most and maybe he believes it or maybe he is telling me so I’ll finally shut up. (I know I wish I could just shut up sometimes…most times) But it made me feel better to think that I could wake up in the middle of the night, upset, panic stricken, from a bad dream and after a bunch of texts someone says that…and I start to finally calm down because I start to realize I’m in my room, I’m safe, I’m okay. It was just a dream.