I have this constant fear that I talk too much. I always assume I annoy everyone because I’m talking and most of the time it is just pointless. I hate arguing, debating and all of that so when I talk it’s usually to be silly or talk about nothing very important.
I’m known for being open about me, myself and I. Everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve seen but there is one thing I have yet to write about it and recent events in the media have triggered this whole feeling of “I really need to talk about it”. But you see, even though my experience was on a much lower level of celebrity (or maybe not, maybe it was just because I didn’t make the money in the situation) if I start talking in this blog or anywhere openly about it, there are people. And those people know other people who know other people who so and and so forth. So I changed my name and moved away from New Jersey and NYC. (Actually I’d been meaning to change my name for years, this just gave me more incentive.)
Once, after I managed to get out of my situation, I wrote about (without identifying) who it was I was running from when I left the music industry and boom, for real, all hell seriously broke loose. I got threats, I was cyber bullied to the point of needing to take down my website, dissolve my art group and basically run away from the internet. I had about 100 nervous breakdowns because every where I looked or tried to exist online someone found me and harassed me. All of the courage and self esteem I had managed to build up from my childhood abuse, all of the effort I put into going to university on my own and proving to myself that I was someone….shot down because I talk too much. I lost a lot of people in my life when I came out about my childhood abuse, and I lost even more when I tried to talk about what I dealt with in the music industry. Now I have such a bad fear of abandonment that I spend my days hoping my friends are still my friends and I’m sure I drive them nuts about it. I still struggle not to tell everyone so I have to talk to my therapist even though I want so badly for people to know what kind of people these people are/were….I can’t. Because I have heroes. And I can’t ruin other people’s heroes for them. I keep my heroes at a distance because when you get to know them (if you ever get to know them) you might find out who they really are and it can crush you. I don’t want to be that person. I want people to have their heroes right where they have them and get from them what they are getting from them because heroes (famous ones at least) project an image and it’s that image we seem to admire. We don’t know them as people on a people level. And sometimes we just shouldn’t.
I got a job offer people would have killed for. Working for some people I admired to bits. I mean I thought they were the bees knees because they were the real deal, no lies, just love and compassion. I ran with it. And while it wasn’t all bad…and I have some amazing memories, I’m still stuck with this heaviness of not being able to really talk about it and it’s holding me back, which is why I’m starting to talk about it to my therapist. I mean I have one or two close friends who know what happened but…I always want to save the world so of course in my mind I should tell everyone so they know who the baddies are. But it doesn’t work that way, at least not for me.
I hope these women in Hollywood are able to get past the coming out part of abuse and assault. I tried and now I’m terrified I’ll lose more than I’ve already lost.