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I’ve had guns pointed in my face since I was 8 years old up until I was about 19. I have had a gun in my face and was told “If I blow your head off it will be an improvement.” I had a gun in my face and was told “If I shot you right now no one would miss you.” I had a gun in my face and was told “You just wait until you are asleep one night and I come in here and blow your brains out while you’re sleeping. Then I’ll do it to your mother.”

I wonder why I have gun issues and I wonder why I don’t sleep well at night. I wonder why I think I’m unattractive and I wonder why I think no one would miss me if I was gone. When you’re 8, 9, 10…adults are the people you trust and you know are telling you the truth, right?

I’ll learn how to use a gun because I want to face that fear. I want to know the power he felt when he had that gun in his hand. Of course, I don’t want to shoot anyone, not even him.

So I should probably get over it, huh? No. I’m pretty sure that isn’t something you ever get over. Sure, you move past it to try to have a life but then sometimes it pops back into your mind whether it’s triggered by a newscast or just seeing a gun on a cop. It never goes away. Do I walk around afraid someone is going to randomly shoot me? No. But I have no doubt in my mind that there are people who have these fears.

Imagine you get to do a job that you dream about (and I always wanted to work in the music or film industries) and you are comfortable living with people you barely know, some of who happen to be rather famous. They have great ideas and seem compassionate. Then you come to find out you’ve been living with and/or around people who are carrying guns or have one tucked away somewhere. Then those people and you have a disagreement that gets heated. I’m not going to say who was right or wrong here and what it was all about. But in my mind…they have guns. And in my mind they are my stepfather and they will shoot me and they will make me look better, make sure no one misses me, and make sure I don’t get a good night’s rest. Yeah, it doesn’t go away. Whenever there is tension and I know there are guns around my brain scrambles and can’t think straight, panic.

I don’t hate guns, I don’t hate that people feel the need to own them. I do hate semi automatic rifles that shouldn’t be in the hands of a regular citizen…but all and all I am not about getting rid of gun rights. I am, however, afraid of the people who own them, who shouldn’t, who are unstable, who use them to terrorize, rape and kill.

It’s where my mind went this morning. Now it’s out of my head. Except for the part about me being unattractive, no one missing me and not sleeping. That never goes away, that is just tolerated.