Let’s talk about how no one is perfect. How not one fucking person on the planet does not have bullshit in their lives, some sort of fucked up family or personality issues. Let’s talk about how our societies have forced this idea of what is normal on us for so long that there are actually people out there who think they are “normal”. Ha! You’re not fucking normal. Deal with it.
Now let’s talk about the effect of this “normal”. I have some pretty bad insecurity issues and some serious abandonment issues. Sometimes they are worse than others, depending on the kind of day I’m having. Now, when I think about it, what does it matter if others might see me fuck up or not be “perfect”? They sure as hell haven’t been perfect and without flaw. But this idea goes a step further for me. My lack of self esteem feeds into my fear of abandonment. I think if someone sees me fuck up or make a mistake or not able to do something I want to do, this person will give up on me and leave and assume I’m worthless to be around. THIS TYPE OF THINKING DOES NOT GO AWAY JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT IT TO.
So I guess finding people who are compassionate to your bullshit are the people you want to be around. Those folks are usually the people who realize they are human too and they fuck up and they aren’t “normal” either.
Several years ago I was fearless. I set out to do things I never dreamed I’d do and it was fucking brilliant. I felt like I was going places and things were just so like being in a dream. But you can’t get comfortable in that feeling because all it takes is one horrible person to fuck it up for you and you’re back at the beginning where you were trying to build up yourself esteem in the first place.
Every day I long for that time when I was fearless and some days I actually get to feel that way, but those days aren’t as common as they were then. I’ll get them back, I’m determined, but until then I honestly need my friends around me to understand the bullshit that goes on in my head when I get tripped up by my self esteem. Maybe not understand show some compassion and not run away. Even a fucking hug will do. I’ve been through some nightmares and it’s a miracle I’m still alive. That is not me exaggerating, that is the truth. I’m not looking for pity though, I’m asking for people to look inside themselves and think about the things they have dealt with or deal with it and how it makes them feel and some times when they’ve felt true fear because that is what this type of anxiety feels like. Fear times 100. It’s intense, it’s scary and at times, suicidal thoughts become your friends when your real friends run away. I’m not trying to scare anyone, expect pity from anyone…but I am trying to get people to understand that I’m just as fucked up as you only I show it differently. I love my friends, they are my family. I’d do anything for them. I just hope that doesn’t mean they will run away from me screaming because they have bought into the idea that they are “normal”.