No one reads this blog anymore. I think in the beginning it tore people up to read it. It fucking tore me up to write it. I never started writing it for sympathy, I did it to get it all out of my head and to let others know they aren’t alone.

No, I’m not going to stop adding to this. I’m not going to stop telling my story or what is inside my head. No I don’t care who thinks I’m crazy, or lying or just trying to impress someone (although if you’re impressed by my past you are one sick fucker).

When you’re in the middle of an addiction (drugs, booze, self harm, eating disorder — I’ve tried them all out) you really say “WHY?!” a lot but you know why. It’s like you just don’t want to admit that you do it to ease some pain somewhere that is too hard to face. Physical or mental pain, we do it for many reasons. For me it was to block out the visions of what I’d seen growing up and the sounds of what I’d been through. The images of guns in my face, a psycho in my bed, a family who barely noticed…the sounds of the words he said, what I was/am worth, how fat I was/am, how ugly I was/am and the fact that no one would ever love me. These things never go away. Therapy for most of my life and still…on a bad day, I can see and hear it forever. So you go through life addicted to something. You have to or you’ll give up. Whatever it is…if it’s a good or bad addiction, it’s keeping you alive somehow.

We were in the car once, leaving my relatives’ house in Ohio. I was in the back seat looking at a music magazine. I was about 12.  He flipped out because when I turned the page, it made a noise. (Really he hated that I looked at magazines because it meant I was looking at boys or men in rock bands that I liked and he hated that I did that). He yelled at me to put it away. My mum told me not to and told him to leave me alone. He stopped the car, reached back, tore them magazine out of my hand, threw it out of the window, shoved my mum out of the car then told her, “Take your cunt daughter with you!” And sped off to wherever. We walked back to my relatives’ house and they were all “Oh no…and awww.” But what did they do? They let him come back and take us again. No one suggested maybe we get help, nothing. No one seemed in the least concerned with the danger they put me in when they put me back in that car.

So fuck’em. My addictions, my bad habits, the bullshit I’ve put myself through was not in vain. It was to survive and it got me this far. It actually got me really far. Sometimes my habits were bad, sometimes good. Either way…and addiction is an addiction, it just depends on the damage. There is good damage…like the kind where you have confidence and smile and laugh a lot. I had that 8 years ago or so. I felt invincible. I did the most amazing shit then. That fast though, people can knock you down and you find yourself with a bad habit all over again to get through that bullshit. But then slowly you get away from that, find some good ones…it’s an ongoing rollercoaster in life when you’ve been put through something.

I don’t know why I was remembering that incident today. But I was drinking tea and realized that tea is an addiction for me. Like coffee is for some people. I don’t feel okay if I don’t have it a few times a day. I get irritated or depressed. So…you know, a not so bad addiction right now. Once an addict always an addict though. Which is okay when you have heroes who are also addicts who show you how to keep going. Good friends mean everything when you’re down…and I mean EVERYTHING.

This post was purely just me spewing things out of my mind. But it had to happen so I could go to sleep.

Also here is a song…and some of you will be surprised, but there was a time when it was important. However, despite the situation and how things turned out, this song has never left my mind because it makes a fuck ton of sense in my life. The funny part is…the one song that got me through growing up left me with “I’m Not Sleeping” as a motto…and this one…is all about “Sleep”. Life rolls on…it’s a river.

Some say, now suffer all the children
And walk away a savior,
Or a madman and polluted
From gutter institutions.
Don’t you breathe for me,
Undeserving of your sympathy,
Cause there ain’t no way that I’m sorry for what I did.

And through it all
How could you cry for me?
Cause I don’t feel bad about it.
So shut your eyes,
Kiss me goodbye,
And sleep.
Just sleep.

The hardest part is letting go of your dreams.

A drink for the horror that I’m in,
For the good guys, and the bad guys,
For the monsters that I’ve been.
Three cheers for tyranny,
Unapologetic apathy,
Cause there ain’t no way that I’m coming back again.

And through it all
How could you cry for me?
Cause I don’t feel bad about it.
So shut your eyes,
Kiss me goodbye,
And sleep.
Just sleep.

The hardest part’s the awful things that I’ve seen.

[Voice recording:]
“…Sometimes I see flames. And sometimes
I see people that I love dying and… it’s always…”

Just sleep.
Just sleep.
Just sleep.
Just sleep.
Just sleep.
Just sleep.

[Screaming:] Wake up!

[Voice recording:]
“And I can’t… I can’t ever wake up.”

(Sleep, My Chemical Romance)

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