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I hate asking for help, especially now when I figured by my age I’d have it together and know what I’m doing and not feel so helpless. But…aside from my pride of surviving the monster who hurt me, there is another part of me that is in constant denial that I am BiPolar. I’ve spent years trying to dodge that diagnosis. I always went for help because I am depressed but then every two years I’d break down because I wasn’t treating all of me, only part. So what do I have together at my age is my past and what I went through and i can talk proudly about all I’ve done since then and how I’ve made it through. But when it comes to my mental illness, I still struggle to be up front about it and just tell everyone, “I have depression”. But I am bipolar. And not allowing myself to be taken care of as a bipolar person is just keeping me from feeling like I have anything together because it just helps to dig the hole I’m in and make it bigger and my depression go deeper. So finally I’m at a point where one of my episodes is making it so that I am barely capable of working and paying for my therapy. I have an appointment to see my psych to work on my meds but I’m not sure I will be able to pay for that appt so I’m trying to put money away whenever I can.

Here is my latest attempt:

Bravelets

It’s a website where they sell jewelry that says “be brave” on it, when someone buys through my page, I get 10% of each sale. I’ve tried other ways to raise money but I never seem to have much to offer people. I mean, I don’t do anything special. I guess I could give them a picture of me crying because they helped…haha. But yeah…maybe this will help, I don’t know. Or not. I’ve nothing to lose really..and the jewelry is really nice. If I didn’t need money I’d definitely buy from here for someone else’s story.

So yeah…I hate asking for help but yet I’ve been asking for help for my own abuse and depression my whole life. Since I was 13. But money is different. I hate feeling like i can’t take care of myself but I’m at the end of my rope with it. I honestly don’t want to fall behind on rent, medical bills or student loans because I can’t work much right now. It scares me because I’ve worked so hard to find a job or to get to a job that was a job beyond the part time jobs I always had. And now I am terrified of losing it because of my stupid brain.

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