My dad left when I was three months old. He wanted a boy. Guess having a girl didn’t make him man enough. My dad was in Vietnam, proudly. Never complained about issues at all. I heard that now he is having delayed PTSD…flashbacks and all of that. I don’t think much of it because I don’t think much of my dad.
As for delayed PTSD, that has become a thing for me. For years and years I went with having a flashback here or a flashback there and I rode them out and got on with my life. Lately though, they are controlling my thoughts, keeping me from leaving the house much, looking at myself, taking compliments and even thinking I can do anything. I have this daily recording on a loop in my brain, “You’re ugly.” “You’re fat” “You’re stupid.” “No one will ever love you.” “You’ll never get anywhere because you’re too stupid.” And it is triggered all day long. I’ve never had this issue where it has become a daily thing and it is making me feel crazy. I don’t know what to do when I have panic attacks from just about anything. I cry every day trying to tell myself of all of the things I have done in my life that have proved it all wrong. For many years I did everything I wanted to do. I was fearless. I wanted to do something I just did it. I knew I could be whatever I wanted to be. Suddenly I want to curl up in my bed and die. Not literally, so don’t go calling 911, I’m not about to commit suicide. But I mean smells, words, songs, colours, people…anything can set it off.
I do think that a lot of it got triggered a few years back when I was working in the music industry and spend months with a man who called me names and told me that I would be “useless if I didn’t have a vagina”. I mean I can take cruel people but because it was so constant and I felt stuck I had to tolerate it until I could get out. Then I leave that industry and get myself on my feet only to have “fans” of these people ruin me and my name. They called me so many things, they brought up my abuse and used it against me. So part of me is sure that this was sort of the beginning of my flashbacks coming back. Because after all of this I kind of lost my spirit and feelings of self worth.
Right now, I mean at this exact moment as I write this I am assuming that what I am writing is stupid and no one is going to read it. I am also assuming that anyone who is reading this is laughing at it. People who don’t have PTSD do not get it. It is debilitating. Today I was looking up what it takes to go on disability because I was sure I wasn’t capable of working any job anymore. That upset me because I am capable I just have this thing or things…like nails embedded into me, into my brain, that control my moods, my reactions, everything. Right now I have so much self hatred that I just want to quit everything, give up and do what, I don’t know. I just know I feel like I am worthless and useless and no one could possibly find me to be helpful. And this isn’t just today, this has been for the past few years…building up.
I don’t even know what to do. I want morphine. I want to lay there and know nothing. I want to be asleep or in a coma or something that will make me unaware of anything. I want to go away and hide.