I don’t think I’ve ever been a functioning adult. I want to blame my past but it isn’t just that. Everything that happened to me only exacerbated what depression, anxiety and suicidality is already there. The constant reminder that I’m no good and worthless and no one would want me around just screams in the back of my head. I cannot function. I’m useless. I want so badly to be okay and on my own and capable, but the truth is, I’m not.
A few months ago I got really depressed and went on a spending spree with credit cards. Not only did it put me so far into debt that I can’t afford to pay it, but it really only made my depression worse. Now I’m at a point where I can’t afford to pay my bills, I can’t afford to buy groceries, I can’t afford to see my therapist or psych and I’ll be surprised if I can afford my meds. Right now, this second, I am in a panic, crying, barely able to breathe or calm down because if I’ve ever felt so useless it is right now.
So I’m going away. I’m not going to talk to anyone. I’m going to hide. I can’t bare to deal with this, it is humiliating and honestly just makes me feel worse to talk to anyone. I want to blame the abuse, but this part is all my fault for not coping well with my depression. I’m an adult, but obviously not a very smart one.