WARNING: This piece of writing may contain discussion on abuse, rape, sex, ptsd, depression and also may use harsh language.
So much on my mind lately and I’m tired of being angry. And there are always those people who say “cheer up” or “don’t be so angry” as if it is so easy to just turn it off. That’s something that has bothered me since I have been able to contemplate life and people. Why do people assume we are all the same? I know, it’s easier to do that than to accept differences, I get that but I don’t accept it. Accepting it would mean that I approve of it. And I don’t.
In all of the years since I escaped by abuse, my torture, my hell, I have travelled and met so many people. Different kinds of people. One of the things that I have always been is curious about everyone and their lives and how they perceive things. Probably too curious for my own good really. It has taught me a lot of things about myself but the biggest lesson I’ve learned from getting to know so many people is that as different as we are, as different as all of our experiences are we are all so very very similar. As humans we are limited but our limits are unlimited. And that does actually make sense. (Despite me sitting here and thinking too hard about it.)
There aren’t a lot of things I won’t tell someone about me. I have been told for so long that I am too open and I think that might be true but I also don’t know any other way to be. People have said all kinds of shit about me, around me, to me, to others about me…and I’ve always said that people either love me or hate me, there is no in between. I’m okay with that. But the thing that people do the most is tell me how to feel, what to think, what to do…blah blah blah. We all do this at some point, I know.
In the beginning, maybe even when I still had to exist in the house with that monster, I know I was not the nicest person. I was a good person, just not a very nice one. I talked down to my friends, I treated them like they were stupid, I said horrible things. I know this was for years. Why I kept my friends for so long has always been a mystery to me. When you are feeling as trapped, confused, sad, hurt and everything else as I was, showing raw emotion is the hardest thing in the world. So hard. I remember saying things to friends and hearing myself and knowing what I was saying wasn’t nice but it still came out. And I couldn’t apologize. I couldn’t stop myself. It was always people that I cared a lot about and it was honestly the way I showed them that I cared. I was just mean. I was insecure, scared and confused. I would do anything for people I cared about but still, I wasn’t very nice.
I worked on this, I really did. I started to recognize when I was about to start treating someone like this and do my best not to but it doesn’t always work. I say “doesn’t” because I know I can still get like that if I am not feeling well emotionally.
“So when are you getting married?” or as the years go by, “When are you going to start having kids?”. The assumption we are all the same or all going to do the same things. At certain points I assumed I had to do some of these things and then eventually it started to weigh on me when I didn’t. I know that it’s common for many people to feel that way from societal pressure. I’ve never been comfortable being treated like a typical girl or what is expected of a girl. Then shit happens and you have all of these pressures put on you but emotionally you’re fucked up from the shit that happened so even if you did want to do any of these things that are expected of you by society, you feel sick when you think about them.
I had relationships. A lot of them really, I mean for someone who struggled so much with understanding what I was feeling. But then I wanted to travel, I wanted to go to University, I wanted to do things. I know some people, they can do it all but me, no. Emotionally I had to decide where I was putting most of my energy and eventually I decided that it had to be invested in me, not in meeting someone or getting married or having kids. Those were things that would happen if they happened. Not things I needed to make happen. So I stopped trying to always been in a relationship and I did so.much.stuff! I mean I have done ten times more in my lifetime so far than I ever dreamed I would do. Literally dreamed. I have lived dreams. I couldn’t have done that if I’d focused on being in a relationship or having kids. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be in a relationship. I would LOVE to meet someone and be comfortable and share all of these things with them but it hasn’t happened and I’m not sorry that I haven’t put my dreams on hold just so people wouldn’t question me about who I am.
And as you get older they do question. “Are you married? Do you have kids? What does your boyfriend think of this? I bet your husband doesn’t like this.” So many assumptions. I never really wanted to get married. I know now, I definitely don’t want to get married. So thankfully I never followed that expectation, right?
I wanted kids, yes. Then I ended up at a point where I kind of knew I would always be an at risk pregnancy so having kids was something I had to realize I probably would never do. No, that wasn’t easy. I have spent and still spend time feeling sad that I never had kids. I would’ve been a great fucking mom. I love kids so I think I might even come off as a bit creepy with how much I love everyone else’s kids. Actually I love young people in general…babies to teenagers…to young adults. They are so awesome!
The boyfriend/husband questions…those are my favourites because those just irritate me. Asking me if I have a boyfriend/husband assumes that I am straight. Which is rude. Also assuming that I should have one is rude. That has always bothered me because after what I went through the last thing I ever wanted was to need a man. BUT then I get the assumptions that because I don’t always have a boyfriend or I’ve never been married I must be a lesbian. So because I decided to think about me and what I wanted to do instead of doing what was expected of me, I am somehow an anomaly in the world of women to the “normies”.
That brings me to this, yes, I would love to be in a relationship. Most times I am not jealous of my friends but every so often I have a tinge of jealousy because sometimes yes it would be nice to have someone to do things with. I sometimes wish I’d had a few weeks of just slutting it up because I am a human and I get horny too. I just never did that. I was too busy doing other things. Would I give up all of the fucking amazing things I’ve done with my life or that I am still going to do with my life just so I could have some sex and a relationship? No. I get lonely in all of the ways a human can get lonely but I need me more than I need anyone and if I stopped doing what I want and started to focus on meeting someone or getting laid, I’d be miserable. Does that make sense? If not, I’m not surprised because not too many people have ever really understood me but luckily, enough people have loved me anyway. I haven’t given up on having a relationship.
I am in no way, shape or form judging anyone who has focused on a relationship or given things up to have kids, etc. No way. I fully respect everyone’s choices. I fully understand how different we all are. We are all similar but all very different. It’s kind of cool really. Or maybe I just think too much.