After every bad thing. After you’ve been through what you are sure is the worst thing you could’ve possibly ever been through, something else happens that sends you plummeting towards that place. That place came from somewhere, I think. I believe I was hardwired for depression/anxiety but for me that place is deep, dark and scarier than any horror film could ever be. It wasn’t there before my childhood abuses but once it was in place it never went away. You like to think once you’re raped or abused that it won’t happen again or that nothing will ever hurt you that way again but that just simply isn’t true. Because when that happened (for me, over and over for ten years) it created that place. It’s a void where there are no feelings, emotions, no love, no warmth, no love, there is nothing. All you want to do is curl up and go away, usually for me that meant I wanted to die. I’m sure it might be a different place for everyone but I think it is all just a horrible place to be regardless.
So you grow up and you learn to cope with how this event or these events will make you feel for the rest of your life but you just don’t think anything like that can happen again. Then you do things that you never thought you’d do. You’re flying high on the fact that you overcame something you never saw yourself getting out of and here you are making a life and being awesome. Then you get a chance to do something that anyone would pay a lot of money for. I mean this is something that doesn’t come along for everyone and you get to be the one who gets that opportunity so of course you take it! Who wouldn’t?! And it involves people that you admire and look up to. People who have inspired you to do a lot of what you are doing in your life. This is perfect.
But it isn’t. You get there and start doing this stuff and meeting great people, becoming a part of a circle and doing all of the amazing stuff you wanted to do but still there are bad people among them. People who will mistreat you, abuse you and yes, assault you. When you get the nerve to finally leave you go and you exhale because you can get back to being happy with yourself again but that isn’t so easy. All of those same feelings from your childhood come rushing back and you become overwhelmed and confused and you feel like you’re 8 years old again. How could you let this happen? That is what you start asking yourself. As if it is your fault that some people don’t know how to behave. Like it’s your fault they backed you into a corner because they knew just what you had or didn’t have.
But you do get away and that makes some people angry. You were a part of something huge and a lot of people liked it that way, including you for a little while. It was great! Then you leave and you can’t tell everyone why because it’s personal and painful and really it isn’t something you wear on a tshirt. Some people understand, they get it but then there are those who have no idea and they become hateful and bitter as if you just up and abandoned them or, and this is the most likely part, they never cared that you were there in the first place, you were just another link to where they wanted to be and now you’ve broken that. So now you’re worthless to them and now they can be angry and say things, untrue things, mean things, horrible things. They set out to destroy anything you’re trying to do to build yourself back up or even hang onto any slight inkling of who you were. It’s a vicious cycle because no one will believe anything bad about the very person or people that you once provided them a link to. No, not them, they are perfect and could never hurt anyone and they would never be friends with people who can hurt someone. No way!
So now not only do you have to get through all of the feelings and nightmares and fears and the experiences that caused you to leave and sink to that same low you were in after the first time you were abused, but it has all just tripled. You have been destroyed publicly and now you have to hide. You have to dismantle everything you built up that meant anything to you and go away in order to get through it. These people who did everything they could to destroy you succeeded, for a while at least. At least until you could get up and start over. AGAIN!
So you come back, you’re feeling better about yourself and your life after a lot recovery time. You tiptoe back for fear they will find you. You actually change your name and move but the Internet doesn’t care about that so every so often you get a message or something from someone who still wants to hurl that hate at you for whatever reason but mostly because they have no life or feel powerless in some way but now you can handle it. At least better than before. But…it’s all still out there thanks to technology, computers, the Internet. Nothing goes away so every so often when you’re in a good mood or feeling particularly free something shows up. A picture, a song, a phrase, a person’s name…and boom, it’s back. That sick pit in your stomach and the 8 year old is there in the back of your mind trying to claw her way to the front but now you’re smarter, wiser to this thing.
Shut the fuck up!
And she does. Not always. You’re not a rock, you have feelings and emotions, maybe too much but you have low moments but you are so much better for the experiences because now you’ve learned even more how to see yourself as better than all what has happened to you. You take from each experience, each disappointment, hurt and destruction and you learn and you move forward and smile for having had the good parts. And there were good parts to your experiences in life even though bad things did happen but you still had good times and now you can look back at those with less anger and hatred and bitterness and smile because you did cool shit and you survived the dark side too.
Because you’re awesome. You are fucking amazing. You are stronger than any of that shit they throw at you. Dreams can come true and they can also fall apart and turn into nightmares but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep dreaming.
Illigetimi non carborundum
Don’t let the bastards grind you down.