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My past experiences at home were really just a starting point, tipping off a depression that I assume was meant to be anyway. Obviously it made it worse, which is just what you need when you are wired for depression, right?

My depression and anxiety show up in many ways. I might have months where I am moody and spend a lot of time hiding from people and I honestly feel like I am not a part of the human race, as if I am completely outside of everything, in a place where I don’t belong. Then sometimes it is the opposite, it is when I need to be around people the most. Everyone who suffers depression has it in their own way, shaped by their own experiences and therefore needs to work to plan out a way to cope with it, whether it is meds and therapy or just learning coping techniques and finding ways to avoid the triggers. Personally I think it all works together, for me at least.

When I was diagnosed it was never what I expected because, if you have depression you know just how crazy it makes you feel. You expect the docs to just walk in and say, “Well you are certified lunatic, you gotta be locked up and you’ll never be ‘normal’ again!” I am pretty sure there is no such thing as “normal” so there is that, but also the docs usually come in and tell you less than what you expected. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder w/ suicidality (which as far as I can tell isn’t a word but what do I know?) and Generalized Anxiety. It sounds a little scary with that “s” word in there but what that means is that I think about suicide a lot. Almost daily. Not about committing suicide but just that it, to me, is always an option, I’m never stuck. There is always a way out for me, in my mind. Does that make me more prone to suicide attempts? I doubt it considering how many people I know who have attempted successfully and unsuccessfully. I think it just means that I don’t believe suicide is not an option so everyday when I’m faced with my depression or struggle, I might think to myself “I really think being dead would be easier.” I also tend to have a slight obsession with stories of suicide and I am fascinated with the psychology around it. That said, I’m not always trying to kill myself, in fact I haven’t done that for an extremely long time. I’ve also struggled with a slight (can it be slight?) pill addiction which didn’t really feel like an addiction to me but I guess when you’re an addict it doesn’t. So here’s the thing, when I get sad and depressed (not bummed out..honestly depressed for those of you who like to say “cheer up!”) and/or anxious I firstly think, “If I had some percs right about now I could handle this.” After that I think, “God, I wish I had the guts to kill myself.” And then usually after that I think, “No, I’m pretty sure I can handle this some other way even if it means sitting somewhere and crying for an hour. It all helps.”

Does this mean I’m a horrible person to be around? No fucking way. I am pretty upbeat most of the time, silly, joking a lot, teasing, flirting, I like fun as much as anyone else does and I tend to be really optimistic. It’s what we depressed folks do best. We hide behind smiles. I like to think though that my upbeat side is honest and not fake. I genuinely love to help people that I see good in and sometimes those who might really need some extra love. I’ve been told I am too nice. I don’t know, I guess I can be nice to the point of jeopardizing myself but that is something I don’t know how to turn off.

I’ve always done everything I wanted to do despite the depression. I am, by default, a very passionate person, so when I want to do something, I can focus and make it happen and usually to my own surprise really because many times these are things that I would normally find impossible. I’m not good enough or I’m not anyone who should be doing such and such, but I’ve done nearly everything I’ve honestly, truly set out to do. I say face the fear and do it anyway even if your hands are shaking, which most times, they are.

In the process of facing my fears and doing it anyway, I have found that I have been able to do things I want to do only to wind up in a situation that turns completely sour. Now, I could freak out and let it trigger me to want to hurt myself or decide I’m a total failure or I can learn from it and realize there are no regrets. I’ve chosen the latter. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been traumatized by any of these situations because I really have, but I still don’t regret them. They might take years for me to finally be fully rid of negative feelings or bitterness, but I get through it. So in that aspect I’ve been through some fucked up shit all at my own choice to not run away from an opportunity.

Not self pitying myself but just facing the fact that yes, I have been through some horrible things that I would never want anyone else to go through (although I know they do everyday) and I have also been through some shit that I put myself into. I am terrible at being defeated by bullshit though so I have always come out fighting and that is what is important to me.