TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post may contain terms, situations, etc dealing with childhood sexual abuse and rape. Take care when reading and do not read if you feel it might upset you. Love and Light.
Funny that this post ends up being called ‘True Colors Fly in Blue and Black’ because I have always thought that I wished I was beaten sometimes so the bruises could disappear (not that physical abuse is any less than other abuse) but I often think of my mind and spirit as bruised but not healing completely. Pardon my use of words, but it always seems as if there is a scab that just won’t fall off and if I pick it, it just bruises it more.
So I’ve mentioned being sexually assaulted and psychologically tortured by my stepfather, if you’ve read this entire blog, you know that. I never mentioned the other two guys who also assaulted me.
One was when I was about 5 or 6. I slept over a friends house and woke up to find her brother trying to put his hand up my pajama bottoms. I froze, I remember, not understanding what was happening. I didn’t even know how to stop him. I was a little kid and he was an older teenager, bigger than me and my friend’s brother. So I guess that was the first time I was honestly sexually assaulted although for years I didn’t think about it because I was preoccupied with trying to stay alive while living with my abusive stepfather.
Again, right after graduation from high school, I was dating and totally in love with one of my closest friends from high school. It was like a dream relationship. I mean head over heals in love with this guy. One night another friend of mine from school, a male, asked if I wanted to hang out. He and I had written a few songs together and his band had played them and he said we could go get ice cream and talk about them. I was excited because I always wanted to be taken seriously as a writer and as a songwriter, that was just awesome to me. So I went with him. We had so much fun. Talked about our songs, laughed about school and how graduation came so fast and finally we decided to go home. He was driving me home and he drove past my house. I said, “My house is back there.” He said, “I know, I just thought we could go park in the parking lot at the mini golf place and talk more.” I feel stupid now because I said, “Okay, that sounds fun!” We got along so well that I figured it was just fun and I liked talking and hanging out with him. We did talk a lot then he started to massage my shoulders. I asked him, “What are you doing?” He said, just rubbing your shoulders. I thought it was weird but couldn’t bring myself to say that. Before I knew it he was on top of me with his hand down my skirt and tights. I froze. I couldn’t say anything. I just lay there trying to remove myself from the situation in my mind. I was thinking about my boyfriend and how I wished I was with him and I wasn’t where I was. He managed to get my tights and panties down and as he was opening his own jeans he stopped and said, “You really aren’t acting like you’re into this.” I didn’t even look at him. He got a bit annoyed and asked, “What did you think, that we were just going to sit here and talk?” I mumbled, “Yes.” He said, “Fix yourself, I’ll take you home.” And he did. Silently and I got out of the car and started crying and took three showers and cried myself to sleep. I didn’t want to face my boyfriend and I think I never told him, not that I can recall.
I am only recently recalling these events because I think for years my main goal was to get rid of all of the negativity that came with my years of rape and torture. I took a class on being a Survivor Support person on the campus where I work and it just brought it up and reminded me and suddenly I’m remembering these events and it’s like I’m only now dealing with them emotionally. I keep telling myself, “Well, three’s a charm, right?” thinking maybe that means it will never happen again. There is no guarantee of that but it’s the only way I can keep myself from living terrified daily.
I don’t want to hate men and I don’t. I don’t want to fear men, I do. But yes, I have dated, I’ve slept with boyfriends but I don’t think I’ve ever really done any of that without still being somewhat afraid that they would turn on me.
I really don’t want to fear all men.