Happy-New-Year-Image-BackgroundI hate New Year’s Eve. It’s my least favourite holiday ever…ever…ever! I prefer to spend it alone but sometimes it is so hard because people always have this feeling you shouldn’t spend any holiday alone.

Being around people on this night is difficult. I’ve tried many times and I’ve had fun but it is always a bittersweet kind of fun. I suppose the holiday is about looking forward to the new year and kind of leaving the past behind (I think?) at least according to Wikipedia:

The song’s Scots title may be translated into standard English as “old long since”, or more idiomatically, “long long ago”,[4] “days gone by” or “old times”. Consequently, “For auld lang syne”, as it appears in the first line of the chorus, might be loosely translated as “for (the sake of) old times”.

 

I hate nostalgia and remembering the past. I barely have photos of me when I was younger or of any events and things that people seem to like to have photos to remember. I love looking ahead.

I’m not sure it has always been like this. Maybe before I was 8 it was different. Although I can’t imagine 7 year olds really understand New Year’s Eve a whole lot. My only memories are of having to spend the night with my stepfather’s mother and his other children eating crackers with cheese and watching Dick Clark. It was supposed to be fun but I never had fun in that house and with those people. His mother hated me and watched me like a hawk, picking at every little thing I would do. The smallest little thing and she’d reprimand me from how I was sitting to how I would eat my crackers. I felt like Cinderella only I never did find that prince. I remember feeling out of place and awkward and fearing the upcoming year and knowing it wouldn’t be any different than the past year. The abuse was not going to end and we sure weren’t going to be leaving this man any time soon. Another year with the Devil. Another year of being called names, having things thrown at me, not being able to sleep, being threatened, raped and psychologically torn to pieces. I knew it and I never looked forward to it.

Yes, it’s over and my life has since improved and I’ve dealt with things and learned to live with the side effects of my abuse. I am a strong, independent woman and quite proud of the fact that I endured such a life and was able to get this far and done all of the things I’d done. I still have a lot to do, so I don’t feel like looking forward is a bad thing anymore but for some reason on New Year’s Eve I have this dark cloud over me but yet it doesn’t make me unhappy but it almost feels like God or whatever is out there is telling me to remember what I’ve been through and look forward to another amazing year of getting through that.

That’s a good thing, I know, but it also means I spend a lot of my time on NYE self-reflecting, crying and usually going to bed by 10pm. This probably all sounds confusing but in my chaotic mind it makes perfect sense and so I prefer to use it as such, a reflective, not on the previous year but on my life so far. Then I wake up and I am ready to move forward.

None of this makes NYE all that horrible sounding, I’m sure. To most people it is assumed that is exactly what you do, move on from the past year. I think I don’t like the idea of year to year, it only keeps count to me of the years that I’ve survived. This isn’t a bad thing, wanting to spend NYE alone and I am not bothered at all by it. I hate the night but I love the next day. And I love this life.

Advertisements