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This isn’t going to be harsh, graphic post. I just wanted to share some of the things that have helped me through the years. This one is about music, which I am sure I have mentioned before.

There is a lot of music that some people may not think is healing but everyone is different. Like you may or may not have noticed that I am using lyrics from my favourite U2 song (and the song that I consider my strong song) as the title of most of my posts here. I love lyrics. I love to write. Writing is another way I cope. So many times lyrics really speak to me. The U2 song “Bad” is the one song that growing up meant so much to me because, even though it is supposedly about heroin addiction, I felt like it applied to my depression and the darkness of my abuse as well. That sense of wanting to be rescued because you’re too tired to fight sometimes.

If I could through myself
Set your spirit free
I’d lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
And to the day

Sometimes there are songs and the person just says something the right way and I am struck by a feeling in my stomach or my chest. Sometimes it is a bad one but most of the time it is good ones. I remember when I went trough a particularly suicidal period the song “No Lies, Just Love” by Bright Eyes was just gutting for me because he has written some lines in it that struck home so hard with me. It was like he knew what I was feeling and what was in my head. The lines were:

Just lately I’ve been feeling
Like I don’t belong
Like the ground’s not mine to walk upon

and also this part:

And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering
I was embarrassed by its honesty
So I’d prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck
That’s taken its place

Because this is exactly what I felt like. I felt like I had no right to be here and that nothing on this earth was for me. I deserved nothing. I was known for being silly, laughing a lot, joking a lot but no one knew that on the inside I just wanted to die. I felt like I didn’t belong in my own skin or anywhere. Even just looking at those lyrics makes my eyes well up because the feeling is so strong, that feeling of not belonging and wanting to end it because you feel like a burden.

Later on, probably when I was at University doing my undergraduate degree I was listening to Nick Cave a lot. He has a song called “Sweetheart Come” which, to me seemed to be about a man who was in love with a woman who had been hurt by another man and he accepted her and her pain and her sorrow and let her know he loved her wholly and without judgement. I cried (still do) when I heard it.  I always and probably still want someone to love me…all of me…my pain and my hurt and my depression and me…all of me. Not judge me on something that wasn’t my fault. I guess what I mean is, I want someone who loves ME. And this song speaks to me for that reason. I am posting the whole song because it is everything:

“Sweetheart Come”

— Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Come over here, babe
It ain’t that bad
I don’t claim to understand
The troubles that you’ve had
But the dogs you say they fed you to
Lay their muzzles in your lap
And the lions that they led you to
Lie down and take a nap
The ones you fear are wind and air
And I love you without measure
It seems we can be happy now
It’s better late than never

Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come to me

The burdens that you carry now
Are not of your creation
So let’s not weep for their evil deeds
But for their lack of imagination
Today’s the time for courage, babe
Tomorrow can be for forgiving
And if he touches you again with his stupid hands
His life won’t be worth living

Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come
Sweetheart, come to me

Walk with me now under the stars
For it’s a clear and easy pleasure
And be happy in my company
For I love you without measure
Walk with me now under the stars
It’s a safe and easy pleasure
It seems we can be happy now
It’s late but it ain’t never
It’s late but it ain’t never
It’s late but it ain’t never